Happy Eid 2018

1 Syawal - I'm so unexcited to celebrate syawal this year. This year, I didn't buy new cloth. I just wear cloth which I brought during my last year convocation ceremony. I packed my cloth as simple as possible. We had a very pleasant Solat Sunat Aidilfitri at the nearest masjid on 1st Syawal which is on Friday. I didn't wear make up during Hari Raya. I just wear some light powder and lip balm. As always, it is hardly for us to capture a proper family picture for the whole family because some of us is missing in action.

2 Syawal - It was Syed Hud akikah day. Kakyong was here. There were many guess went to Atok's house today.

3 Syawal - Abang Nua n family, uncle pacai and family, ayah long and family went back to their house.

4 Syawal -

5 Syawal - Johor

6 Syawal - Hitam went missing at Shell, Muar, Johor. We all jump in the forest just to seach for Hitam except Ahmad. We want to see the babies in Seremban, but it was inappropriate to come and see the babies at night. So, we decided to sleep in KL.

7 Syawal - I puke a lot while my father driving up to Fraser's Hill. We are lost and then we found a hotel to sleep in Fraser's Hill.

8 Syawal - Fraser's Hill.

9 Syawal -

10 Syawal - Ahmad begins to register himself at Universiti Sultan Azlan Shah (USAS). I planned to fast today, but as it turns out, I fainted while waiting for his registration to complete. My stomach suddenly aches very bad while I was waiting and standing. I ask my mom's permission for me to sit down under the nearest tent. My stomach keeps aching, so I ask again mom's permission for me to went to the toilet at the nearest masjid. While queuing to enter the toilet, my head spinning, my stomach aches and my body wet with sweat. I've been experiencing this pain before, so I knew how to handle myself from falling down. After entering the toilet, I rush myself to Tiya and I sit down at the satires because my vision becomes blurred. I ask Tiya where is the female prayer side. So, we went to the female prayer side and I drop my head down on the carpet and quickly take off my headscarf. My body temperature rises and I was wet with more sweat. I tried to find fan nearby to cool down myself. My stomach started to ache even more. I called my mom to tell her where I was. I gave my purse to Tiya to help me brought some mineral water. We waited in the masjid until I finally feel relief.

11 Syawal - I was in mood where I felt like I was hit by a truck. I stayed home trying to prepared a slide for my viva.

12 Syawal - MC

13 Syawal - MC

14 Syawal - MC

15 Syawal - At night, following my parents to pick up Ahmad from his study place. Than we went to Aeon, went to Kaison and brought some groceries stuff. Then we went dinner of mee rebus at some restaurant near by. We drop by Ahmad's hostel to load his stuff first before heading to home.

16 Syawal - Following my mom to her jamuaan hari raya at her school.

17 Syawal - Aeon.

18 Syawal - Drive Tiya to school. Planned to fast but fail because there's some stain. My friend Shiqin just finished her viva today She did it earlier because she has to went to a surgery to remove her ovarian cyst.

19 Syawal - Fasting. Drive Tiya to school.

20 Syawal - Fasting

21 Syawal - Fasting

22 Syawal - Fasting

23 Syawal - Fasting

24 Syawal - Fasting. Mom's friends coming to our house.

Motorcycle crashes into car

After packing my stuff and bring some packed meal in the morning, I was about to drive my self to Penang to attend for the Intel interview which being held at Intel PG12 at 4 pm. I drove myself there early so to make sure that I was on time for the interview. I intend to go to my sister's house in Bukit Mertajam before the interview. I was losing my direction while I was searching for my sister's house. My sister just sends me her house location at the traffic light, my car was slow in motion at that time and suddenly, there's a human with motorcycle fell down in front of my car. It was so devastating impact when I saw he suddenly fall. I want to go straight, but the motorcycle want to turn to the right and suddenly appear at my blind spot (left side of my car), and we crashed at the middle of the traffic light. I was terrified if I just killed him. I quickly get out from the car to see how he was. I picked all his belonging on the road to the side of the road. Many of other motorcyclis surrounded me at that tragedy. They help to lift the motorcycle and the guy up from his fall. My car didn't smash because my father has just changed the chassis part into plastic material so that my car didn't crash again. Hehe. But my chassis part fell down a little, but can't really see it. I felt so sorry to see him fall, hurt, crying with blood.

Me: Okay tak?
Him: Tak nampak ke?
Me: Tak nampak.

Stranger: You tunggu sini. Nanti apa2 you panggil ambulance.
Me: Okay.

Him: Tak yah buat report eh?
Me: Ha'a. Takyah. Jap nak alihkan kerete.

(He jump in one leg painfully in the middle of the road to get his slipper. He didn't even ask for my help.)

Me: Jom pergi hospital?
Him: Pergi klinik jela.

Me: Jom pergi klinik? Naik kerete.
Him: Naik moto jela.
Me: Hmm... Nah ni duit untuk pergi klinik. Saya minta maaf tau?

He silenced and paused for too long before taking the money and then I just left. I don't know how to begging people if they don't want it. I felt regret and sorry to just left him bleeding with blood like that. I hope we meet again by accident one day (in my dream). Until now, that traumatic moment still haunting my brain. :')

Meanwhile, after that incident, I was calmly went for the interview like nothing just happened. The interview experience was great. They ask a lot of about technical questions. I was just like teaching the interviewer by drawing a lot in the white board about what I knew about analog, semiconductor and my project. But I just screw up the moment he asks about C++ because I forget about it. I just remember about Verilog and VHDL coding. Whatever things to come after this, I'm just accepting the fate :')

"There is wisdom that we need to release something that we really love. Believe Him, because if it's our mate, how far he goes away, he'll definitely go back to our lap."

Tough times

We're all hurting inside. We have one pain that hard to express. Sometimes we feel so depressed and in complete despair. We think no-one sees our pain but there is Someone. And if you remember Him, He will remember you. That's His promise. Everything happens for a reason. Never complain, never explain. Say Alhamdulillah.

May Allah heal the broken heart, 

the ones who are silent, 

who cannot express their pain, 

the ones who are tried of torment, 

the ones who need a break.

May Allah put an end to your sadness, 

may He put a smile on your face. :)

May Allah listen to everyone's silent prayers & internal screams. My heart really aches secretly but very much badly, and the worst thing is I cannot share even a single word with anyone. May Allah mend all broken heart and grant us everlasting happiness :)

Out~

Car crash

I'm having a meeting with my supervisor today. I bump into Nurin and Far at my school. I present my simulation result to my supervisor. He said that I can complete my thesis earlier with my current obtained data. But if I'm improving it and make the data exactly the same as previous work, the better. So, he keeps offering me a PhD grant to further my studies in PhD under him. He said that the topic would be the same, but with experiment and fabrication. I'm currently seeking for a job as an engineer and I do in love with this topic. I'm in dilemma with this decision. After meeting with my supervisor, I filled the gas tank, buy a coffee for my father at the nearest store. On my way back, I accidentally have a car crash at the highway corner. I'm speechless. I'm in shocked. My head felt dizzy. I felt down to earth. I can't believe what just happened. This is the first time ever I'm having a car crash after driving a manual car in 6 years. I don't know how to explain what actually happens behind the scene. It was so unconscious mind. But.. yeah.... accident just happened with minor injuries. At least I'm still breathing and alive.

"When Allah takes something from your grasp, he is about to replace it with something better."

Lymphatic cancer

My brother in law was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. He got a tumour growing on his neck. Lymphoma is cancer that begins in infection-fighting cells of the immune system, called lymphocytes. These cells are in the lymph nodes, spleen, thymus, bone marrow, and other parts of the body. When you have lymphoma, lymphocytes change and grow out of control. 

He undergoes the operation while I was in study week at the University. My sister has to go to UK and Japan for her PhD research and left his husband alone few weeks after the operation. Everyone was so shocked with the news. He was so kind to me and was tested with many obstacles. I felt sorry for him. I owed him a lot. I don't know what I can do to help him except to include him in my prayer. He always there to help me. He's the one who helped me to sell stock, he's the one who helped me to board a plane alone, he's the one who wants to be there while I was lost alone at night with no direction, he's the one who wants to be there while my car's tires flat, he's the one who helped me pay the registration fee for my master degree, he's the one who helped me cross the road in a big city while I feel lost, he's the one who helped me to collect my degree transcript. I don't think I could survive in this world without him.

However, lymphoma is very treatable, and the outlook can vary depending on the type of lymphoma and its stage. Hopefully, he will survive by finding the right treatment for his type and stage of illness.

He made this flowers all by himself for me during my convocation.

Social network quarantine

"So lay me down in this field and put me under the trees in the tall grass where they won’t find me. 

Enjoying silence and peace until the sirens they come back screaming, taking me away. 

I lost a piece of myself, and I forgot to slow down and just breathe and it’s scaring me. 

I’ve given all I can give so don’t let me go."

Hey, it has been a while since my last appearance. I'm not dead. I'm just trying to survive here. I've been quarantine myself from logging on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram in December 2017 until my last final exam ends on 4th January 2018. I just wanted to make sure that I didn't procrastinate while I'm on this journey. This will be the last final exam I encountered in my life.

Before this, I've been completely offline from all social network more than a year. So, it's not an issue for me to start my offline habit again. What it feels like to completely offline?  I feel focused on what I'm currently doing. I feel the joy of missing out. I feel like I'm the happiest person on earth. I improved my communication skill by talking with a lot of people from face to face. I keep increasing my Quran reading and prayer as my entertainment. I improved my reading skill by reading the newspaper to get the correct current issue. And obviously, I didn't care about any celebrity issue. Sorry if this paragraph sounds extremely nerdy. Ha-ha.

Meanwhile, even though I'm offline, my passive business still running. I feel blessed to have a loyal customer who keeps on repeating order. Sometimes I do feel like I want to quit my passive business, but it is hard for you to stop once you accidentally start it. Yeah, business never stops.

Bachelor's Degree Electronic Engineering ✅

I never thought I would have a picture of my convocation. Before the convocation, I was so lazy and unexcited to go. Thanks to Kakyong who always secretly be my photographer and force me to be her model. Every photo there's Kakyong behind the camera. Hehe. Back then, I was non-social network person and non-taking picture person. I never online to view what other people update to heal myself. I let so many picture of me faded to keep me moving on in my life. Without noticing, it been almost more than 4 years I've been gone. I was gone neither online nor offline. I thought I just want to be gone in this world forever. I felt that I've lost everything. Sometimes I feel unwanted in this world so I decided to backing off. But I believe Allah have better plan for me. Since my death not coming yet, my journey didn't end here. Some of my friends are searching for me and personally request a picture of me. And that's was my first time ever I've send my picture online. My mother used to say "Ingat senang ke nak nampak Nana muncul dalam gambar?".

At one instant, one day, I don't know why I decided to join online business in fact I hate all social network and holding a gadget. Being expose in online world was really not my thing. I just love to be expose to real world more. But it just happen. Well, everything happens for some reason. At least, I know the art in marketing and they can't lie to me no more. 

Sorry, if I'm not beautiful anymore.

Life is simple, keep a person who keep you, leave a person who leave you.

Forgive and forget. Make more mistakes and learn.

Picture lied, word don't.

It's just happened once in a life time. 

Dunia hanyalah setitis air laut yang melekat di jarinya, selebihnya adalah akhirat.

Currently undergoing a digital detox. I won't be available after this. :p

More photo, coming soon....

~Out, busy. 

Look up

I have 422 friends, yet I am lonely.
I speak to all of them everyday, yet none of them really know me.

The problem I have sits in the spaces between,
looking into their eyes, or at a name on a screen.

I took a step back, and opened my eyes,
I looked around, and then realised
that this media we call social, is anything but
when we open our computers, and it’s our doors we shut.

All this technology we have, it’s just an illusion,
of community, companionship, a sense of inclusion
yet when you step away from this device of delusion,
you awaken to see, a world of confusion.

A world where we’re slaves to the technology we mastered,
where our information gets sold by some rich greedy bastard.
A world of self-interest, self-image, self-promotion,
where we share all our best bits, but leave out the emotion.

We are at our most happy with an experience we share,
but is it the same if no one is there.
Be there for you friends, and they’ll be there too,
but no one will be, if a group message will do.

We edit and exaggerate, we crave adulation,
we pretend we don’t notice the social isolation.
We put our words into order, until our lives are glistening,
we don’t even know if anyone is listening.

Being alone isn’t the problem, let me just emphasize,
that if you read a book, paint a picture, or do some exercise,
you are being productive, and present, not reserved or recluse,
you’re being awake and attentive, and putting your time to good use.

So when you’re in public, and you start to feel alone,
put your hands behind your head, and step away from the phone.
You don’t need to stare at your menu, or at your contact list,
just talk to one another, and learn to co-exist.

I can’t stand to hear the silence, of a busy commuter train,
when no one wants to talk through the fear of looking insane.
We’re becoming unsocial, it no longer satisfies
to engage with one another, and look into someone’s eyes.

We’re surrounded by children, who since they were born,
watch us living like robots, and think it’s the norm.
It’s not very likely you will make world’s greatest dad,
if you cant entertain a child without a using an iPad.

When I was a child, I would never be home,
I’d be out with my friends, on our bikes we would roam.
We’d ware holes in our trainers, and graze up our knees;
we’d build our own clubhouse, high up in the trees.

Now the parks are so quiet, it gives me a chill
to see no children outside and the swings hanging still.
There’s no skipping or hopscotch, no church and no steeple,
we’re a generation of idiots, smart phones and dumb people.

So look up from your phone, shut down that display,
take in your surroundings, and make the most of today.
Just one real connection is all it can take,
to show you the difference that being there can make.

Be there in the moment, when she gives you the look,
that you remember forever, as when love overtook.
The time you first hold her hand, or first kiss her lips,
the time you first disagree, but still love her to bits.

The time you don’t need to tell hundreds, about what you’ve just done,
because you want to share the moment, with just this one.
The time you sell your computer, so you can buy a ring,
for the girl of your dreams, who is now the real thing.

The time you want to start a family, and the moment when,
you first hold your baby girl, and get to fall in love again.
The time she keeps you up at night, and all you want is rest,
and the time you wipe away the tears, as your baby flees the nest.

The time your little girl returns, with a boy for you to hold,
and the day he calls you granddad, and makes you feel real old
The time you take in all you’ve made, just by giving life attention,
and how your glad you didn’t waste it, by looking down at some invention.

The time you hold your wife’s hand, and sit down beside her bed
you tell her that you love her, and lay a kiss upon her head.
She then whispers to you quietly, as her heart gives a final beat,
that she’s lucky she got stopped, by that lost boy in the street.

But none of these times ever happened, you never had any of this,
When you’re too busy looking down, you don’t see the chances you miss.

So look up from your phone, shut down those displays,
we have a finite existence, a set number of days.
Why waste all our time getting caught in the net,
as when the end comes, nothing’s worse than regret.

I am guilty too, of being part of this machine,
this digital world, where we are heard but not seen.
Where we type and don’t talk, where we read as we chat,
where we spend hours together, without making eye contact.

Don’t give in to a life where you follow the hype,
give people your love, don’t give them your like.
Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined
Go out into the world, leave distractions behind.

Look up from your phone, shut down that display,
stop watching this video, live life the real way.

-Gary Turk